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Friday, January 12, 2007

In most of my recent posts, I have kept most of my feelings and what's going on with my "situation" to myself, for my own reasons, but, things are changing and I feel like writing things down.

I've decided that I am no longer going to try to change Chris's mind about getting a divorce. Chris has been very wishy washy, for lack of a better word, with me in the last 2 months. He tells me that maybe we can work things out, that it may take awhile, but it could happen. Great! Then, 3 weeks later, he's changed his mind...again. But he still continues to ask me things like why did this happen and why this and why that.

If you want a divorce, WHY do you care??

I can't continue to put myself through that. It hurts me too much. Don't get me wrong, I still love Chris with all of my heart, but I am beginning to realize some things about him. This whole situation is showing me how selfish he can be. HE is the one that wanted to have Alyssa (I don't regret our decision and I never will, please don't think that) and get married because, and I quote, "it was the right thing to do". Now, my close friends that know me know that I have never believed that little saying. I have never agreed with getting married simply because you got someone pregnant. I married Chris because I was in love with him, no other reason. Sure, it happened sooner than we expected because I did get pregnant, but I was in love. It seems to me that Chris cannot and does not want to handle the responsibiltiy of being a full-time husband and father. Thats fine. That is his decision, but it should've been made along time ago, before he allowed my daughter and his daughter to become involved. They shouldn't have had to go through this. He can tell me all day long that the reason he wants a divorce is because I lied to him. I think that's bullshit. He was just looking for an out and he found one.

I've spent the last 2 months thinking about everything over and over again and I can't keep doing that. Like I said, I still love Chris and I wish that we could work things out, but he can't handle it and I can't force him to. I have to move on with my life for my sake and my daughters' sakes.

It will be a long time before I get involved with anyone else. I'm just not ready for anything like that. I do want a family, a husband, my kids, hanging out at home just watching tv and playing, but I still would like to have that with Chris and I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that it is not going to happen.
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I took Alyssa for her 1 year checkup yesterday and my poor baby did not enjoy it. When I picked her up from the babysitter, she felt a little warm. We get to the dr and they prick her finger to check her iron, which was great, and that pissed her off. She would calm down a little bit and then she would look at the band-aid on her little finger and just get all upset again. Made me want to cry with her. She's healthy, she's growing. She's 16 pounds, 12 ounces. On the small side, but her doctor is ok with it. She was running a fever though, a small one, but a fever. She has an ear infection and a cough and snot for days. But, we will get her antibiotics and she will be feeling great and ready for her birthday party on Saturday. I can't wait for that!

12 comments:

Vicki said...

I can imagine that Divorce and seperating would be a difficult thing to go through. Writing here will help you sorr through all the junk that gets jumbled up inside of us.

That Chick Over There said...

Oh gosh, I had no idea. I'm so sorry!

I've been through a divorce. My first husband left me when I was pregnant with the twins. So I'm here for you if you want to talk!

CPA Mom said...

I don't know you and I don't know Chris. But I was divorced in my early 20's. I still remember the pain and we didn't even have kids. Keep on talking it out and we will listen. It will get better. Kiss your girls for me.

HollowSquirrel said...

Oh sweetie, I had no idea either; and, like CPA Mom, I only know you through the blog...but keep blogging and we'll keep listening. I'm sorry.

Kellie said...

Hey girl..I know divorce is hard. As you know, our situations are different but, divorce is still hard. Glad you're able to talk about it a bit more..we're all here to listen and help you get through it.

Hope Alyssa feels better. I can't BELIEVE the difference in size with her and Morgan (cute Birthday Buddies that they are!).

Hang in there, sweetie--if you want to vent/cry/talk...I'm here for you!!

Lost A Sock said...

I'm glad you're beginning to emotionally take care of yourself in all of this. You deserve the best, and I'm sure you will come out of this awfulness so much stronger. Your girls are lucky to have such a great mommy. Hang in there.

Susan in va said...

I can't begin to know how you feel, but I know that this decision was difficult for you. You are smart not to rush into another relationship. Your girls will need you more than ever now.

I hope Alyssa starts to feel better, poor little thing! It just broke my heart that she cried whenever she looked at her band-aid!

takin chances said...

Good for you, Rachel. You deserve some stability in your life and you deserve someone that will love you above themselves.

If you need anything, even just a night out, just let me know.

Mamacita Tina said...

Hope your daughter is feeling better. Hope you are too, take care of yourself. Give yourself time to get over Chris, a very difficult thing to do. We're all listening and here for you. Many of us have gone through similar pains. Hang in there. Big hug from me to you.

On the upside, you have your daughter's birthday to celebrate. Something to definitely look forward to.

Amy W said...

Glad to hear you are getting through this and are talking about it...

And I want to hear all about the birthday party! And she is little, only 16 pounds? Audrey was 18 pounds at nine months...

Happy Working Mom said...

I have a really good friend going through almost exactly what you're going through...out of nowhere her husband of 8 years decides he's done...only he keeps going back and forth now. I've hated not being able to offer much advice, but I'm good and listening and encouraging :)

Michele_3 said...

OH goodness- I'm so sorry your going through this difficult time, Life is never eay is it? Just keep strong and know were all here pulling here for you through this hard time ..

Although, I just started reading your blog, Like everyone else, I agree that sometimes writing down your emotions can really be great therapy & the venting helps..(it works for me..)

Take care!
:)