Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Catch up here.

So, I never confronted him. To this day, I still haven't. I am torn between believing this other person, that truthfully has no reason to lie, and wanting to believe my husband. He is my husband after all. So, I didn't confront him. I did, however, confide in my best friend about what I had found out. I had so many feelings about everything. I was so confused and like I usually do, I made a rash decision. I told Chris that I did not want to work things out. I was so hurt. It hurt me to say that to him. But, I had everyone telling me that was the right thing to do. That I didn't need to be with him. I know that I should have ignored everyone else and let my heart and mind tell me what to do, but I was soooo confused.

After 2 or 3 weeks, I started rethinking my decision. Again, color me confused. So, I poured my heart out to Chris. I tried to explain to him how I felt at the time and how sorry I was for how I treated him and how I went about telling him that we didn't need to see each other. My best friend actually took my phone and sent him a few text messages. I don't even want to think about how upset he must've been. I tried to tell him exactly how I felt. And, he told me that it was too late. That we had a chance to work on things and I chose to walk away. I immediately regretted saying anything to him. I felt like I should have just left it alone. But, my marriage was and is important to me. Marriage is not something to take lightly. Too many people are so quick to walk out. To me, it's something worth fighting for. So I continued to try. I didn't do it the way I wanted to. I allowed Chris to set boundaries. Again, something I regret.

That's all for now. I think tonight, I will sit down and do some writing.

My story

I promise I will get back to my story very soon. I am busy and taking my time putting my thoughts down.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I don't even know how to title this

I've not been doing too many, if any, personal posts lately. I've had so many posts going inside my head and so many feelings, etc, it's hard to put it all into words. But, writing and journaling is good for me, so I am just gonna put it all out there. This is a very long story so I will do it in at least two parts.

Some of you know that about 4 months ago, my husband cheated on me. I was absolutely devastated. Just lost and confused. Asking myself why. He blamed me. Said that I wasn't affectionate enough and he didn't feel loved. I will admit that I wasn't a very affectionate person. Let me say that I do not take the blame. I never will. There is no excuse for cheating. Ever.

Since then, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been on medication since June of this year and I cannot express what a huge turnaround I've experienced. I don't too much recall having the "manic" symptoms, mostly the depression side of it. I wish I had sought help sooner. But, that is neither here nor there.

We separated. We both moved out of the house we had in July. Sometime in August we decided that maybe we should try to work things out. We were talking, getting along, we even sat down and wrote out some goals we had, for both our marriage as well as individually. No one knew that we were doing this. It was between Chris and I. We needed to do it without any interference or opinions of anyone else.

My parents ended up finding out and were pretty angry to say the least. They were still very angry with Chris for what he had done. At that time, I came to find out that there may have been another time that he had cheated on me. Obviously I had no proof other than what another person said (someone that had no reason to lie about something like this). I was floored. I didn't want to believe it and to keep said person confidential I agreed not to go to Chris with what I found out.

That's all I am posting for now, as this is not only hard for me to post and talk about, but like I said, it's long.

As I am sure many of you did, I spent last night watching CNN. Watching the results pour in. It was surreal. I will tell you; I voted for Barack Obama. Even though I was quite sure that he would be elected, seeing the states reporting votes just made me realize that it was happening.

We, as Americans, made history last night. You may not have voted for Barack Obama and that's ok with me. That's a freedom that we all enjoy. Every single one of us is allowed to think how we want to.

I feel like this is the beginning of big changes in America. Not just with our government. But, with the people of this country. Some huge barriers have come down no matter how you look at it or feel about it. For the first time in a long time, I truly have hope for our future. For my kids' future. For the country they will inherit from my generation. I hope that she is strong and united.

It is time for that change. It's time for us to stop saying no you can't and start saying yes you can.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

It's Election Day

I know it's probably cliche' to do an election post today, but I don't care.

I've voted in every presidential election and almost all state and local election since I registered at 18 years old. I've always been very proud to be a registered voter and no matter what some people may say, my vote makes a difference.

This election in particular is so exciting. In just a few hours, we will have made history in this great country. History that I am so glad to be able to be a part of. We will either have our very first African-American President or our very first female Vice-President. I won't get into my political views on how I am hoping this goes.

We are having record voter turn-outs all over this country. Could it be possible that we as Americans finally really want a change? We are all feeling the effects of the current credit crisis, the rising costs of food, gas, etc and the rollercoaster ride that Wall Street has been on. Hopefully, no matter who becomes our next President, this will changed and some laws enacted to keep some of these things from happening again. We have an uphill battle against us for sure. It may get worse before it gets better, but only time will tell.

My oldest daughter has been quite involved in this election as well. She has asked me questions about who I'm voting for and, of course, state that is who she wants to win too. I've explained to her that I have reasons for the way I am voting and that is how you make that decision. Not by following the crowd. But she is 8 years old and there is only so much she can comprehend. Her school is having a mock election and talking alot about voting and government and I am so glad. I recall participating in a mock election in 1988 when former President Bush ran against Michael Dukakis. We ever used real voting machines which was very cool to us. I hope Kaylie remebers this as well when she is older. I also hope she takes advantage of her ability to vote. I guess I will see in 10 years.

If you haven't voted yet, no matter who your chosen candidate is, get out there and vote. You can make a difference.