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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I don't even know how to title this

I've not been doing too many, if any, personal posts lately. I've had so many posts going inside my head and so many feelings, etc, it's hard to put it all into words. But, writing and journaling is good for me, so I am just gonna put it all out there. This is a very long story so I will do it in at least two parts.



Some of you know that about 4 months ago, my husband cheated on me. I was absolutely devastated. Just lost and confused. Asking myself why. He blamed me. Said that I wasn't affectionate enough and he didn't feel loved. I will admit that I wasn't a very affectionate person. Let me say that I do not take the blame. I never will. There is no excuse for cheating. Ever.

Since then, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been on medication since June of this year and I cannot express what a huge turnaround I've experienced. I don't too much recall having the "manic" symptoms, mostly the depression side of it. I wish I had sought help sooner. But, that is neither here nor there.

We separated. We both moved out of the house we had in July. Sometime in August we decided that maybe we should try to work things out. We were talking, getting along, we even sat down and wrote out some goals we had, for both our marriage as well as individually. No one knew that we were doing this. It was between Chris and I. We needed to do it without any interference or opinions of anyone else.

My parents ended up finding out and were pretty angry to say the least. They were still very angry with Chris for what he had done. At that time, I came to find out that there may have been another time that he had cheated on me. Obviously I had no proof other than what another person said (someone that had no reason to lie about something like this). I was floored. I didn't want to believe it and to keep said person confidential I agreed not to go to Chris with what I found out.

That's all I am posting for now, as this is not only hard for me to post and talk about, but like I said, it's long.

19 comments:

Sherry said...

A hard post for you I am so sure. You know I am here for you anytime.
Glad the meds are making you feel better. Now put your trust in yourself first then go from there. If Chris and you are meant to be together, then it will happen. Faith, trust but like I said YOU COME FIRST always.

Soxy Deb said...

I know this is hard for you and we want you to take your time with it. As you can see, we all waited for you to come back, so we'll wait for you to talk when your ready.
But know that whatever you decide is best for you and Chris, is between you and Chris. And what's best for you is the most important thing.

katie said...

Get it OUT, girl!

;-) Love ya!

phonemom said...

Sounds like a hard post. Meds are a fantastic thing, they make a lot of life easier to deal with.
I wish I had good advice about Chris. I guess I think that you should listen to your head and do what you think is best, don't let other people change your decisions.
Good luck hon, we're always here if you need us.

K-Mom said...

I applaude your bravery in posting about what was/is a very hard time in your life.

I hope things turn around for you and you find the happiness you deserve. Life can be hard and messy sometimes, but I truly believe that God never gives us more than we can handle.

God speed, Rachel.

SJ said...

Oh goodness, I'm not even sure I want to read what you have to write as it sounds extermely painful but I commend you for your bravery in sharing. We might all be able to learn a thing or two....

Good luck. We are here for you.

*hahahaha! my word verification for this comment is: upeed. Amusing, no?

Cat said...

That's what we're here for. I applaud you for doing what you need to do for yourself, both for your mental health and in your relationship. You're right, it's no one else's business and you two should decide for yourselves where to go from here.

Isabel said...

R, you are very brave to post this.

I think that mental disorders get way too bad of a rep. Good for you for admitting you needed help and for getting help....and for doing what you feel is best for your family!

Burgh Baby said...

*hugs*

Hang in there. Writing it out really will help, but make sure to hang in there.

Memphis Steve said...

I wasn't sure if you were going to write about this. I guess I'm surprised that you did. Sometimes, though, when someting is eating us up inside the blog is the only place we have to go and get it out.

I hope I was of some use to you in all of this. I tried to be as helpful as I can. I don't know the latest in the situation, but I know you've been hurting a lot. I hope things improve and this all works out for the best soon. I see so many people around me hurting so badly lately.

That Chick Over There said...

You know we love ya girl.

Mrs. CPA said...

I'm glad you're talking about this, I know it will help!

XOXO

Kelly said...

I'm sure this is so difficult for you. Like everyone else said...you know we are all here for you. You need to do what is right for you and what you feel is right. Im glad you sought out help and the meds are working for you and helping you feel better. We are all thinking of you!

Bethany said...

I know I've been quiet here but I am here. Hang in there and do what you think is best for you and your family.

Hugs to you.

CPA Mom said...

Wow, I know some of this already but had no idea you were going to post the story. How brave!! Whatever the outcome, know that I admire you, your determination and courage. You deserve so much more than you have had in life and I know the best is yet to be for you!

Erin The Great said...

Wow! I'm glad you can at least try and get it out. Good for you :)

Heather said...

We sort of her pieces of the story, and I'm glad you're getting it out. It's hard but it does help. Hang in there - there are alot of us rooting for you and are here for you!

Kellie said...

I'm late to the party and I'm sorry :( I'm happy you have a diagnosis and are on meds and even happier you notice a difference.

As for the husband, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

squishytushy said...

Oh my God... I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Medication can be a wonderful thing (I know it firsthand!). I hope you & Chris can work things out - but only if that is what YOU want to do. And only if you can restore your faith in him, because I would hate for you to have to live for life wondering if he's up to no good everytime he goes out with "friends" or "works late".

As for the cheating being blamed on your lack of affection... you just wrote my worst fears. As I haven't been affectionate with J in AGES. And he tells me point blank that he has every reason to cheat because of it...