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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Hello

I hope that everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was ok, I ate lots of food and got to see some family that I don't get to see often. Both the girls had a good time. Alyssa ate up sweet potatoes like it was nobody's business. She loved them!

I also moved the Friday after Thanksgiving. While bunches and bunches of people were crowding the stores buying Christmas presents, I was moving into my new apartment. Fun, huh? Not really. I got alot done, though, because I did not have either Kaylie or Alyssa with me. I haven't even seen Alyssa since Friday and I miss her soooo much. I miss my family so much. During the day is ok, cuz I'm at work and busy and once I get home (well, it's not home, but, I live there) I cook dinner and Kaylie and I watch tv and do homework and such. But, once Kaylie goes to bed, I am so lonely. I don't even want to sleep in my own bed, because I miss Chris being in it with me so much. I just haven't had much to blog about, I'm not looking forward to Christmas. It's Alyssa's 1st and we were supposed to celebrate together, but, it seems that's not going to happen. I would like to invite Chris to Christmas, but I'm afraid he would say no, and that would just really hurt my feelings, so...

Anyway, like I said, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Obligatory Thankful Post

This Thanksgiving I'm not in such a thankful mood, as I'm sure you've all guessed. But I do realize that although things right now are not good for me, I do have many things that I am thankful that I do have.

1. I'm thankful for all of my friends. Each and every one of them. Each in different ways, but all equally. Especially, Crystal
2. I'm very thankful for my beautiful daughters. I love them more than words can say and wouldn't trade being there mom for anything in the world. I can't wait to see the wonderful people they grow up to be and all the things they will discover along the way. I just hope it's all happy things, of course.

3. I'm thankful that I had 2 years with Chris. I still love him very much and he did give my Alyssa and for that I will always be thankful. I was hoping for a lifetime with him, but, at least I had a short period of time. I'm a different person than I was before I met him and I'm glad for that.

4. I'm thankful for my family. Without my parents, I don't know where I would be right now. They have helped me out more than than I would have ever expected them to and I love them very, very much. I only wish that I could pay them back for all they've done for me. One day I will.

5. I'm thankful that I am healthy and that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my kitchen. I am thankful that my kids have the same thing.

6. I am thankful for my soon to be ex-in-laws. I love them very much and will miss them like crazy. They were, and still are, loving, caring wonderful people and I only wish that I could still be a part of that family too.

7. I am thankful that I work for someone that appreciates the work that I do and also understands when I have to leave early or come in late or stay home altogther because I have kids. I'm thankful that he understands my current situation and realizes that on somedays, I might not be having a good day.

8. There are so many other things that I am thankful for, but I cannot list them all here because you would get bored and surely move on. But, just know, there are many others.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

The obligatory thankful post

This Thanksgiving I'm not in such a thankful mood, as I'm sure you've all guessed. But I do realize that although things right now are not good for me, I do have many things that I am thankful that I do have.

1. I'm thankful for all of my friends. Each and every one of them. Each in different ways, but all equally. Especially, Crystal
2. I'm very thankful for my beautiful daughters. I love them more than words can say and wouldn't trade being there mom for anything in the world. I can't wait to see the wonderful people they grow up to be and all the things they will discover along the way. I just hope it's all happy things, of course.

3. I'm thankful that I had 2 years with Chris. I still love him very much and he did give my Alyssa and for that I will always be thankful. I was hoping for a lifetime with him, but, at least I had a short period of time. I'm a different person than I was before I met him and I'm glad for that.

4. I'm thankful for my family. Without my parents, I don't know where I would be right now. They have helped me out more than than I would have ever expected them to and I love them very, very much. I only wish that I could pay them back for all they've done for me. One day I will.

5. I'm thankful that I am healthy and that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my kitchen. I am thankful that my kids have the same thing.

6. I am thankful for my soon to be ex-in-laws. I love them very much and will miss them like crazy. They were, and still are, loving, caring wonderful people and I only wish that I could still be a part of that family too.

7. I am thankful that I work for someone that appreciates the work that I do and also understands when I have to leave early or come in late or stay home altogther because I have kids. I'm thankful that he understands my current situation and realizes that on somedays, I might not be having a good day.

8. There are so many other things that I am thankful for, but I cannot list them all here because you would get bored and surely move on. But, just know, there are many others.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Nothing much

I don't really have much to blog about these days. Tonight I went to Kaylie's open house at school. She was sooooo excited to be able to show me around her school and her classroom and everything. She had been talking about it all week. I had a good time. I also asked her teacher to call me so that I can explain our new situation to her so that she can let me know if she sees Kaylie changing any or if her work starts to suffer.

I dread that phone call because it's still very, very hard for me to tell people that Chris wants a divorce. The other night I went over to my best friend's boyfriends house. The three of us were playing cards when his roomate and his fiance' came home. His roommate apparently already knew because he came over and gave me a hug. But, his fiance' did not. She asked me where Chris was and I just damn broke down crying. I couldn't help it. I haven't even been able to take off my wedding ring yet and I don't think I will be able to for a while, maybe ever.

You're probably thinking, yes you wil, it will just take time. No, it won't. I am not sure that how much I love and need and want Chris comes through in my writing or came through in my life, because, perhaps, had I shown it more or done things differently, I would still be with Chris right now. I miss his arms around me. I miss his kiss first thing in the morning when he was leaving for work and I was still half asleep. I miss coming home and seeing him and knowing that he would be there every night. Even when he fell asleep in the living room watching tv, I knew he was there and I guess I took for granted that he always would be. I'm in tears as I'm typing this because I'm still devestated. It's been almost two weeks since he told me and I don't feel any better. Right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I can't help but wonder, every second of every minute of every day, what he is doing, or thinking.

What makes things even worse, is it's like he's trying to get rid of any evidence that I ever lived in the same house with him. That hurts almost as much. I feel like I never meant that much to him and I can't describe how that makes me feel. Everything reminds me of Chris, from a tv show to a song on the radio. I'm not sure that I will ever stop being in love with him. EVER. He is everything to me and he's gone.

Nothing much

I don't really have much to blog about these days. Tonight I went to Kaylie's open house at school. She was sooooo excited to be able to show me around her school and her classroom and everything. She had been talking about it all week. I had a good time. I also asked her teacher to call me so that I can explain our new situation to her so that she can let me know if she sees Kaylie changing any or if her work starts to suffer.

I dread that phone call because it's still very, very hard for me to tell people that Chris wants a divorce. The other night I went over to my best friend's boyfriends house. The three of us were playing cards when his roomate and his fiance' came home. His roommate apparently already knew because he came over and gave me a hug. But, his fiance' did not. She asked me where Chris was and I just damn broke down crying. I couldn't help it. I haven't even been able to take off my wedding ring yet and I don't think I will be able to for a while, maybe ever.

You're probably thinking, yes you wil, it will just take time. No, it won't. I am not sure that how much I love and need and want Chris comes through in my writing or came through in my life, because, perhaps, had I shown it more or done things differently, I would still be with Chris right now. I miss his arms around me. I miss his kiss first thing in the morning when he was leaving for work and I was still half asleep. I miss coming home and seeing him and knowing that he would be there every night. Even when he fell asleep in the living room watching tv, I knew he was there and I guess I took for granted that he always would be. I'm in tears as I'm typing this because I'm still devestated. It's been almost two weeks since he told me and I don't feel any better. Right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I can't help but wonder, every second of every minute of every day, what he is doing, or thinking.

What makes things even worse, is it's like he's trying to get rid of any evidence that I ever lived in the same house with him. That hurts almost as much. I feel like I never meant that much to him and I can't describe how that makes me feel. Everything reminds me of Chris, from a tv show to a song on the radio. I'm not sure that I will ever stop being in love with him. EVER. He is everything to me and he's gone.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Things

I found an apartment yesterday. I had found one earlier in the week, but they told me that my credit wasn't good enough. That kinda surprised me, because, although my credit is not A-1, it's not horrible. Anyway, the apartment that I ended up with is bigger and nicer anyway. I am kind of excited, very nervous, and pretty sad. I'm ready to get my life back in some kind of order and this is the first step. My oldest daughter is having kind of a hard time with all of this. She is losing the home she lived in, one of her sisters, her stepfather and numerous aunts cousins and so on and it hurts me that she has to deal with this because essientially, it is my fault. I'm not saying the divorce is all my fault, but I am the one that put my daughter in this situation to begin with, that is my fault. That little girl has had to deal with way to much at 6 years of age and most of it was because of me. In the past 2 years, we moved (from the only home she remembered) and she changed daycares. Then, I got pregnant, then married, the she started kindergarten (which she has done sooooo well in) and now, we are kind of displaced at the moment and moving to a new apartment and she's losing what was her normal life. Alyssa has started to be a little more clingy with me since this began. I don't know if it's because of her age or if the situation is affecting her. Either way, it hurts me and her. Both times since I moved most of my things out of our house, that I have gone to pick up Alyssa from her father, Haley (my stepdaughter) has asked if she can go when we leave and asks me why I'm taking Alyssa with me when she belongs there and that just tears me up. I just don't know how to answer that question. But Haley is young and I don't think that she will always ask things like that and of course, Chris knows that Haley is always welcome to come over to my house any time she wants, she just has to ask. I know that things will get easier, but I just want my old life back still and I don't know when that feeling is ever going to go away.

Things

I found an apartment yesterday. I had found one earlier in the week, but they told me that my credit wasn't good enough. That kinda surprised me, because, although my credit is not A-1, it's not horrible. Anyway, the apartment that I ended up with is bigger and nicer anyway. I am kind of excited, very nervous, and pretty sad. I'm ready to get my life back in some kind of order and this is the first step. My oldest daughter is having kind of a hard time with all of this. She is losing the home she lived in, one of her sisters, her stepfather and numerous aunts cousins and so on and it hurts me that she has to deal with this because essientially, it is my fault. I'm not saying the divorce is all my fault, but I am the one that put my daughter in this situation to begin with, that is my fault. That little girl has had to deal with way to much at 6 years of age and most of it was because of me. In the past 2 years, we moved (from the only home she remembered) and she changed daycares. Then, I got pregnant, then married, the she started kindergarten (which she has done sooooo well in) and now, we are kind of displaced at the moment and moving to a new apartment and she's losing what was her normal life. Alyssa has started to be a little more clingy with me since this began. I don't know if it's because of her age or if the situation is affecting her. Either way, it hurts me and her. Both times since I moved most of my things out of our house, that I have gone to pick up Alyssa from her father, Haley (my stepdaughter) has asked if she can go when we leave and asks me why I'm taking Alyssa with me when she belongs there and that just tears me up. I just don't know how to answer that question. But Haley is young and I don't think that she will always ask things like that and of course, Chris knows that Haley is always welcome to come over to my house any time she wants, she just has to ask. I know that things will get easier, but I just want my old life back still and I don't know when that feeling is ever going to go away.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I'm back

I've decided that blogging is therapeutic for me and, therefore, I am gonna continue. The only reason I erased all of my previous posts is because, my husband told me he wants a divorce and then blamed the blog and myspace as part of his reasons. My marriage means everything to me so, of course, I thought that if I stopped blogging, perhaps he could forgive it and we could work things out. Not so. So, currently me, my 6 year old and my 10-month old are all living in one bedroom in my parents house while I am trying to find somewhere permanent to live. Beware that alot of my coming posts may be sad and full of self pity, but I have to talk (type) about it. I am going to hopefully find a doctor to talk with and help me get through this because its hard and I'm not dealing with it very well.

But, my kids need me and I will do what I have to do to be there for both of them.

I'm back

I've decided that blogging is therapeutic for me and, therefore, I am gonna continue. The only reason I erased all of my previous posts is because, my husband told me he wants a divorce and then blamed the blog and myspace as part of his reasons. My marriage means everything to me so, of course, I thought that if I stopped blogging, perhaps he could forgive it and we could work things out. Not so. So, currently me, my 6 year old and my 10-month old are all living in one bedroom in my parents house while I am trying to find somewhere permanent to live. Beware that alot of my coming posts may be sad and full of self pity, but I have to talk (type) about it. I am going to hopefully find a doctor to talk with and help me get through this because its hard and I'm not dealing with it very well.

But, my kids need me and I will do what I have to do to be there for both of them.