Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I found an apartment yesterday. I had found one earlier in the week, but they told me that my credit wasn't good enough. That kinda surprised me, because, although my credit is not A-1, it's not horrible. Anyway, the apartment that I ended up with is bigger and nicer anyway. I am kind of excited, very nervous, and pretty sad. I'm ready to get my life back in some kind of order and this is the first step. My oldest daughter is having kind of a hard time with all of this. She is losing the home she lived in, one of her sisters, her stepfather and numerous aunts cousins and so on and it hurts me that she has to deal with this because essientially, it is my fault. I'm not saying the divorce is all my fault, but I am the one that put my daughter in this situation to begin with, that is my fault. That little girl has had to deal with way to much at 6 years of age and most of it was because of me. In the past 2 years, we moved (from the only home she remembered) and she changed daycares. Then, I got pregnant, then married, the she started kindergarten (which she has done sooooo well in) and now, we are kind of displaced at the moment and moving to a new apartment and she's losing what was her normal life. Alyssa has started to be a little more clingy with me since this began. I don't know if it's because of her age or if the situation is affecting her. Either way, it hurts me and her. Both times since I moved most of my things out of our house, that I have gone to pick up Alyssa from her father, Haley (my stepdaughter) has asked if she can go when we leave and asks me why I'm taking Alyssa with me when she belongs there and that just tears me up. I just don't know how to answer that question. But Haley is young and I don't think that she will always ask things like that and of course, Chris knows that Haley is always welcome to come over to my house any time she wants, she just has to ask. I know that things will get easier, but I just want my old life back still and I don't know when that feeling is ever going to go away.