Thursday, November 16, 2006

Nothing much

I don't really have much to blog about these days. Tonight I went to Kaylie's open house at school. She was sooooo excited to be able to show me around her school and her classroom and everything. She had been talking about it all week. I had a good time. I also asked her teacher to call me so that I can explain our new situation to her so that she can let me know if she sees Kaylie changing any or if her work starts to suffer.

I dread that phone call because it's still very, very hard for me to tell people that Chris wants a divorce. The other night I went over to my best friend's boyfriends house. The three of us were playing cards when his roomate and his fiance' came home. His roommate apparently already knew because he came over and gave me a hug. But, his fiance' did not. She asked me where Chris was and I just damn broke down crying. I couldn't help it. I haven't even been able to take off my wedding ring yet and I don't think I will be able to for a while, maybe ever.

You're probably thinking, yes you wil, it will just take time. No, it won't. I am not sure that how much I love and need and want Chris comes through in my writing or came through in my life, because, perhaps, had I shown it more or done things differently, I would still be with Chris right now. I miss his arms around me. I miss his kiss first thing in the morning when he was leaving for work and I was still half asleep. I miss coming home and seeing him and knowing that he would be there every night. Even when he fell asleep in the living room watching tv, I knew he was there and I guess I took for granted that he always would be. I'm in tears as I'm typing this because I'm still devestated. It's been almost two weeks since he told me and I don't feel any better. Right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I can't help but wonder, every second of every minute of every day, what he is doing, or thinking.

What makes things even worse, is it's like he's trying to get rid of any evidence that I ever lived in the same house with him. That hurts almost as much. I feel like I never meant that much to him and I can't describe how that makes me feel. Everything reminds me of Chris, from a tv show to a song on the radio. I'm not sure that I will ever stop being in love with him. EVER. He is everything to me and he's gone.