Really, I'm gonna try to do this more!

Ok, so I'm sure that some of you noticed that I never continued with my story. Well, it's long and drawn out and a conclusion has come of it, so at this point, I see no reason to try to put it all into words.

Long story short, we were not gonna work things out, then it was "whatever happens, happens". Some other things happened that really caused me to reevaluate everything. And even though, I knew and do know, that he is not what I need in my life, I was willing to try.

Apparently, he was not. Chris called me about a week and a half ago and said we needed to just go ahead and get divorce. Like right now. This after he and I decided in the beginning of all this that we could stay legally married because I do not have the option of health insurance at my job. Well, that's kind of a moot point, since, well, he was fired. But, he was paying for Cobra and supposedly going to get that job back. In my opinion that is never going to happen, but that's neither here nor there. It's no longer my problem. The next girl can deal with that and all the other problems that come along with Chris.

He wants this life that I do not want and cannot give him. I'm done with spending all of my time going out to the bars with friends (basically, they are beer buddies) every single night and acting like I have no responsibilities. I don't have anything to prove to anyone and I am lucky to have friends that could care less where I work, what I drive, how much money I have or anything else for that matter. And, through all of this, I have gained 3 more of those friends. So, I've filed for divorce. It wasn't easy, I spent almost all of that night after signing the complaint crying. But, it's done. It's the beginning of a new part of my life, just one more chapter of my story. I know when I sign the actual papers and I have to go to the court to have the final divorce decree, I will probably cry. Because, it's sad. Sad that he doesn't see the person he's become. But, I can't change that, and I am done trying.

I'm moving on. If I hadn't me Chris, I wouldn't have Alyssa. I wouldn't have his family, who, by the way, I do and will continue to have a relationship with. I wouldn't have the 3 new friends that I have. Friends that continuously listen to me bitch and cry about all of this and when all is said and done, will always be there.

Ok, I'm not sure just yet, but I may not be blogging anymore. I love to blog, it's a nice outlet for my feelings and to get advice from people who are unbiased and see things from the outside looking in. But, on the other hand, I love my husband much, much, much more than blogging and I'm very happy to say, that Chris and I have decided that we are going to work things out and we are offically back together.

To say that I am happy about this is like saying the Grand Canyon is just a little hole in the desert!

Anyway, I think Chris will be ok with my blog as long as he realizes that I am not putting any personal or intimate things on here and I've talked to him about that. I'm going to let Chris make the decison on whether or not he is comfortable with me blogging. Either way, I will continue to read the blogs on my blogroll and others that I come across.

In most of my recent posts, I have kept most of my feelings and what's going on with my "situation" to myself, for my own reasons, but, things are changing and I feel like writing things down.

I've decided that I am no longer going to try to change Chris's mind about getting a divorce. Chris has been very wishy washy, for lack of a better word, with me in the last 2 months. He tells me that maybe we can work things out, that it may take awhile, but it could happen. Great! Then, 3 weeks later, he's changed his mind...again. But he still continues to ask me things like why did this happen and why this and why that.

If you want a divorce, WHY do you care??

I can't continue to put myself through that. It hurts me too much. Don't get me wrong, I still love Chris with all of my heart, but I am beginning to realize some things about him. This whole situation is showing me how selfish he can be. HE is the one that wanted to have Alyssa (I don't regret our decision and I never will, please don't think that) and get married because, and I quote, "it was the right thing to do". Now, my close friends that know me know that I have never believed that little saying. I have never agreed with getting married simply because you got someone pregnant. I married Chris because I was in love with him, no other reason. Sure, it happened sooner than we expected because I did get pregnant, but I was in love. It seems to me that Chris cannot and does not want to handle the responsibiltiy of being a full-time husband and father. Thats fine. That is his decision, but it should've been made along time ago, before he allowed my daughter and his daughter to become involved. They shouldn't have had to go through this. He can tell me all day long that the reason he wants a divorce is because I lied to him. I think that's bullshit. He was just looking for an out and he found one.

I've spent the last 2 months thinking about everything over and over again and I can't keep doing that. Like I said, I still love Chris and I wish that we could work things out, but he can't handle it and I can't force him to. I have to move on with my life for my sake and my daughters' sakes.

It will be a long time before I get involved with anyone else. I'm just not ready for anything like that. I do want a family, a husband, my kids, hanging out at home just watching tv and playing, but I still would like to have that with Chris and I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that it is not going to happen.
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I took Alyssa for her 1 year checkup yesterday and my poor baby did not enjoy it. When I picked her up from the babysitter, she felt a little warm. We get to the dr and they prick her finger to check her iron, which was great, and that pissed her off. She would calm down a little bit and then she would look at the band-aid on her little finger and just get all upset again. Made me want to cry with her. She's healthy, she's growing. She's 16 pounds, 12 ounces. On the small side, but her doctor is ok with it. She was running a fever though, a small one, but a fever. She has an ear infection and a cough and snot for days. But, we will get her antibiotics and she will be feeling great and ready for her birthday party on Saturday. I can't wait for that!

Two posts in one day!

Ok, I stole this from It's My Life and wanted to do it. I am tagging everyone!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? Bought 2 vehicles
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I did not make any last year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yeah, I did!
4. Did anyone close to you die? Luckily no.
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? There are lots of things.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? There are 2, the 1st is Jan. 7th because it's my baby girl's birthday and the other is Nov. 5th because that's the day my husband told me he wanted a divorce.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting a big raise at work.
9. What was your biggest failure? Separating from my husband.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just the usual colds, etc.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I don't know.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Certainly not mine.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mine.
14. Where did most of your money go? To everyone else.
15. What events did you get really, really, really excited about? My daughter's impending birth and my first wedding anniversary.
16. What song will always remind you of ‘06? Broken Road by Rascal Flatts
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:* Happier or Sadder? Much sadder* Thinner or Fatter? Thinner (but I was preggo last year) * Richer or Poorer? Neither I guess
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Too many things.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying
20. How was Christmas? My kids enjoyed it.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Probably my husband.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006?I stayed in love
23. How many one-night stands? None
24. What was your favorite TV program? I don't know, I like CSI and Law & Order.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate…no. Dislike…yes.

26. What was the best book you read? I have not really had time to read.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery? I didn't have any.
28. What did you want and get? Love for a minute at least.

29. What did you want and not get? See #28
30. What were your favorite films of this year? I don't really have any.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 27 and Chris and I went to a Tennessee Titans game.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? My husband working things out with me.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? I don't know.
34. What kept you sane?My husband tried to and so did I.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least? I really don't care either way.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Hmmm, I'm not sure.
37. Whom did you miss? My Husband.
38. Who was the best new person you met? No one that I can think of.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Not enough time or space to list it.
40. Do you have any lost feelings of others? no

I know I haven't been blogging much lately, but I haven't had much to blog about. I still haven't put up my Christmas tree, but I plan to this weekend. I was thinking that my tree was somewhere in the garage at Chris's house, but he went through and brought me some things that were in there and he couldn't find it. Luckily, my aunt has one she is not using, so I plan to pick that up this weekend.

I still haven't done any Christmas shopping!! Every year, I say, I'm gonna start early, and then I never do. But, I'm gonna try to get some done this weekend. The only problem is I am not sure where I will be able to hide the stuff that I buy. Kaylie is a nosy little thing, so...

She's also hard to shop for. The older she gets, the worse it gets. She's not picky or anything like that, but I want to get her stuff that she will play with or use, so, this year, I'm thinking about things she can do with her hands, like painting and coloring and things like that. She likes doing that sort of thing. Alyssa will be easy to shop for, walk down the baby toy aisle and just put stuff in the basket.

That's really just it for now, my life is totally boring at the moment.

The Obligatory Thankful Post

This Thanksgiving I'm not in such a thankful mood, as I'm sure you've all guessed. But I do realize that although things right now are not good for me, I do have many things that I am thankful that I do have.

1. I'm thankful for all of my friends. Each and every one of them. Each in different ways, but all equally. Especially, Crystal
2. I'm very thankful for my beautiful daughters. I love them more than words can say and wouldn't trade being there mom for anything in the world. I can't wait to see the wonderful people they grow up to be and all the things they will discover along the way. I just hope it's all happy things, of course.

3. I'm thankful that I had 2 years with Chris. I still love him very much and he did give my Alyssa and for that I will always be thankful. I was hoping for a lifetime with him, but, at least I had a short period of time. I'm a different person than I was before I met him and I'm glad for that.

4. I'm thankful for my family. Without my parents, I don't know where I would be right now. They have helped me out more than than I would have ever expected them to and I love them very, very much. I only wish that I could pay them back for all they've done for me. One day I will.

5. I'm thankful that I am healthy and that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my kitchen. I am thankful that my kids have the same thing.

6. I am thankful for my soon to be ex-in-laws. I love them very much and will miss them like crazy. They were, and still are, loving, caring wonderful people and I only wish that I could still be a part of that family too.

7. I am thankful that I work for someone that appreciates the work that I do and also understands when I have to leave early or come in late or stay home altogther because I have kids. I'm thankful that he understands my current situation and realizes that on somedays, I might not be having a good day.

8. There are so many other things that I am thankful for, but I cannot list them all here because you would get bored and surely move on. But, just know, there are many others.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

Nothing much

I don't really have much to blog about these days. Tonight I went to Kaylie's open house at school. She was sooooo excited to be able to show me around her school and her classroom and everything. She had been talking about it all week. I had a good time. I also asked her teacher to call me so that I can explain our new situation to her so that she can let me know if she sees Kaylie changing any or if her work starts to suffer.

I dread that phone call because it's still very, very hard for me to tell people that Chris wants a divorce. The other night I went over to my best friend's boyfriends house. The three of us were playing cards when his roomate and his fiance' came home. His roommate apparently already knew because he came over and gave me a hug. But, his fiance' did not. She asked me where Chris was and I just damn broke down crying. I couldn't help it. I haven't even been able to take off my wedding ring yet and I don't think I will be able to for a while, maybe ever.

You're probably thinking, yes you wil, it will just take time. No, it won't. I am not sure that how much I love and need and want Chris comes through in my writing or came through in my life, because, perhaps, had I shown it more or done things differently, I would still be with Chris right now. I miss his arms around me. I miss his kiss first thing in the morning when he was leaving for work and I was still half asleep. I miss coming home and seeing him and knowing that he would be there every night. Even when he fell asleep in the living room watching tv, I knew he was there and I guess I took for granted that he always would be. I'm in tears as I'm typing this because I'm still devestated. It's been almost two weeks since he told me and I don't feel any better. Right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I can't help but wonder, every second of every minute of every day, what he is doing, or thinking.

What makes things even worse, is it's like he's trying to get rid of any evidence that I ever lived in the same house with him. That hurts almost as much. I feel like I never meant that much to him and I can't describe how that makes me feel. Everything reminds me of Chris, from a tv show to a song on the radio. I'm not sure that I will ever stop being in love with him. EVER. He is everything to me and he's gone.

Things

I found an apartment yesterday. I had found one earlier in the week, but they told me that my credit wasn't good enough. That kinda surprised me, because, although my credit is not A-1, it's not horrible. Anyway, the apartment that I ended up with is bigger and nicer anyway. I am kind of excited, very nervous, and pretty sad. I'm ready to get my life back in some kind of order and this is the first step. My oldest daughter is having kind of a hard time with all of this. She is losing the home she lived in, one of her sisters, her stepfather and numerous aunts cousins and so on and it hurts me that she has to deal with this because essientially, it is my fault. I'm not saying the divorce is all my fault, but I am the one that put my daughter in this situation to begin with, that is my fault. That little girl has had to deal with way to much at 6 years of age and most of it was because of me. In the past 2 years, we moved (from the only home she remembered) and she changed daycares. Then, I got pregnant, then married, the she started kindergarten (which she has done sooooo well in) and now, we are kind of displaced at the moment and moving to a new apartment and she's losing what was her normal life. Alyssa has started to be a little more clingy with me since this began. I don't know if it's because of her age or if the situation is affecting her. Either way, it hurts me and her. Both times since I moved most of my things out of our house, that I have gone to pick up Alyssa from her father, Haley (my stepdaughter) has asked if she can go when we leave and asks me why I'm taking Alyssa with me when she belongs there and that just tears me up. I just don't know how to answer that question. But Haley is young and I don't think that she will always ask things like that and of course, Chris knows that Haley is always welcome to come over to my house any time she wants, she just has to ask. I know that things will get easier, but I just want my old life back still and I don't know when that feeling is ever going to go away.