In most of my recent posts, I have kept most of my feelings and what's going on with my "situation" to myself, for my own reasons, but, things are changing and I feel like writing things down.

I've decided that I am no longer going to try to change Chris's mind about getting a divorce. Chris has been very wishy washy, for lack of a better word, with me in the last 2 months. He tells me that maybe we can work things out, that it may take awhile, but it could happen. Great! Then, 3 weeks later, he's changed his mind...again. But he still continues to ask me things like why did this happen and why this and why that.

If you want a divorce, WHY do you care??

I can't continue to put myself through that. It hurts me too much. Don't get me wrong, I still love Chris with all of my heart, but I am beginning to realize some things about him. This whole situation is showing me how selfish he can be. HE is the one that wanted to have Alyssa (I don't regret our decision and I never will, please don't think that) and get married because, and I quote, "it was the right thing to do". Now, my close friends that know me know that I have never believed that little saying. I have never agreed with getting married simply because you got someone pregnant. I married Chris because I was in love with him, no other reason. Sure, it happened sooner than we expected because I did get pregnant, but I was in love. It seems to me that Chris cannot and does not want to handle the responsibiltiy of being a full-time husband and father. Thats fine. That is his decision, but it should've been made along time ago, before he allowed my daughter and his daughter to become involved. They shouldn't have had to go through this. He can tell me all day long that the reason he wants a divorce is because I lied to him. I think that's bullshit. He was just looking for an out and he found one.

I've spent the last 2 months thinking about everything over and over again and I can't keep doing that. Like I said, I still love Chris and I wish that we could work things out, but he can't handle it and I can't force him to. I have to move on with my life for my sake and my daughters' sakes.

It will be a long time before I get involved with anyone else. I'm just not ready for anything like that. I do want a family, a husband, my kids, hanging out at home just watching tv and playing, but I still would like to have that with Chris and I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that it is not going to happen.
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I took Alyssa for her 1 year checkup yesterday and my poor baby did not enjoy it. When I picked her up from the babysitter, she felt a little warm. We get to the dr and they prick her finger to check her iron, which was great, and that pissed her off. She would calm down a little bit and then she would look at the band-aid on her little finger and just get all upset again. Made me want to cry with her. She's healthy, she's growing. She's 16 pounds, 12 ounces. On the small side, but her doctor is ok with it. She was running a fever though, a small one, but a fever. She has an ear infection and a cough and snot for days. But, we will get her antibiotics and she will be feeling great and ready for her birthday party on Saturday. I can't wait for that!