Goodbye 2008! Hello 2009!!

It's the end of another year. It seems like they just fly past the older you get. 2008 was not what I expected it to be this time last year, but, I think it has turned out to be just what I needed. There have been up and downs this year, that's for sure. But, I am really excited to begin 2009 and I think life is going to have some wonderful things for me in the coming year!

I guess at the end of the year everyone reflects back on everything that happened. There were more smiles than scowls. More happy tears than sad tears. Me and my family and friends are happy and healthy. I did alot of soul-searching and I really like what I've been finding and what I will continue to find. I am ready to wake up to 2009 and I am embracing this year with open arms. Life is what you make it and, you know what? Mine is pretty damn good!

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year!!

Really, I'm gonna try to do this more!

Ok, so I'm sure that some of you noticed that I never continued with my story. Well, it's long and drawn out and a conclusion has come of it, so at this point, I see no reason to try to put it all into words.

Long story short, we were not gonna work things out, then it was "whatever happens, happens". Some other things happened that really caused me to reevaluate everything. And even though, I knew and do know, that he is not what I need in my life, I was willing to try.

Apparently, he was not. Chris called me about a week and a half ago and said we needed to just go ahead and get divorce. Like right now. This after he and I decided in the beginning of all this that we could stay legally married because I do not have the option of health insurance at my job. Well, that's kind of a moot point, since, well, he was fired. But, he was paying for Cobra and supposedly going to get that job back. In my opinion that is never going to happen, but that's neither here nor there. It's no longer my problem. The next girl can deal with that and all the other problems that come along with Chris.

He wants this life that I do not want and cannot give him. I'm done with spending all of my time going out to the bars with friends (basically, they are beer buddies) every single night and acting like I have no responsibilities. I don't have anything to prove to anyone and I am lucky to have friends that could care less where I work, what I drive, how much money I have or anything else for that matter. And, through all of this, I have gained 3 more of those friends. So, I've filed for divorce. It wasn't easy, I spent almost all of that night after signing the complaint crying. But, it's done. It's the beginning of a new part of my life, just one more chapter of my story. I know when I sign the actual papers and I have to go to the court to have the final divorce decree, I will probably cry. Because, it's sad. Sad that he doesn't see the person he's become. But, I can't change that, and I am done trying.

I'm moving on. If I hadn't me Chris, I wouldn't have Alyssa. I wouldn't have his family, who, by the way, I do and will continue to have a relationship with. I wouldn't have the 3 new friends that I have. Friends that continuously listen to me bitch and cry about all of this and when all is said and done, will always be there.

Who let the dogs out?

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted! I've decided to curtail my story for the time being (look at me using big words!) to concentrate on more upbeat things. I don't want to give you all the impression that I am sitting around wallowing in my own self pity. That's far from the truth.

So, let's see. You'd like to hear a story about my Thanksgiving, no? Ok, you've twisted my arm.

At Thanksgiving each year, my dad's side of the family have a big get together. I'm talking like 30-40 people. We go down to my great-aunt's house in Mizzippi (I'm not stupid, that's how we say it down here). My cousin has a big place on her land. Basically, just a big building with a pool table, flat screen tvs, tables, a kitchen and a bathroom. Perfect for Thanksgiving. It's a potluck as well, so no one has to do all the cooking.

Anyway, we eat, talk, blah blah blah. Now, my aunt has quite a few acres of land. Next to her land, the neighbors have horses and bulls. Bulls with horns. Long horns. Yeah. My cousin brought her dog with her. Her dog that she had gotten just a few days before from some friends that couldn't care for her. A Siberian Husky. Beautiful, friendly and active dog. You see where this is going, don't you?

After a while the dog ends up going down to the fence that separates us from the bulls. It's a good 130+ yards away. She's sniffing and just checking things out. Then, we couldn't see her for a minute. Then she pops back up. And, then, we realize she has gotten into the neighbors pasture. With the bulls. And the horses. And she's sneaking up to the bulls. My mom and brother and Kaylie were riding around on the golf cart and saw her and tried to get her to come back under the fence. Nope, she was about to have some fun.

So, us being rednecks, several of us drive down or walk down to the fence to watch. This damn dog was running and jumping at the bulls, who were, in turn, trying their best to knock the shit out of her. Then she notices the horses. And, of course, must check them out too. Of course, the horses pay much less attention to her. Basically, just trying to bite her. Then, one horse happened to move his tail. Aww hell, she thinks this is something to grab! She jumps a couple of times to grab the tail and finally the horse has had enough and tries to kick her.

We watched all of this for a good 30 minutes and then my cousin got through the fence and finally got her dog.

Thanksgiving in Mizzippi. Good times.

Catch up here.

So, I never confronted him. To this day, I still haven't. I am torn between believing this other person, that truthfully has no reason to lie, and wanting to believe my husband. He is my husband after all. So, I didn't confront him. I did, however, confide in my best friend about what I had found out. I had so many feelings about everything. I was so confused and like I usually do, I made a rash decision. I told Chris that I did not want to work things out. I was so hurt. It hurt me to say that to him. But, I had everyone telling me that was the right thing to do. That I didn't need to be with him. I know that I should have ignored everyone else and let my heart and mind tell me what to do, but I was soooo confused.

After 2 or 3 weeks, I started rethinking my decision. Again, color me confused. So, I poured my heart out to Chris. I tried to explain to him how I felt at the time and how sorry I was for how I treated him and how I went about telling him that we didn't need to see each other. My best friend actually took my phone and sent him a few text messages. I don't even want to think about how upset he must've been. I tried to tell him exactly how I felt. And, he told me that it was too late. That we had a chance to work on things and I chose to walk away. I immediately regretted saying anything to him. I felt like I should have just left it alone. But, my marriage was and is important to me. Marriage is not something to take lightly. Too many people are so quick to walk out. To me, it's something worth fighting for. So I continued to try. I didn't do it the way I wanted to. I allowed Chris to set boundaries. Again, something I regret.

That's all for now. I think tonight, I will sit down and do some writing.

My story

I promise I will get back to my story very soon. I am busy and taking my time putting my thoughts down.

I don't even know how to title this

I've not been doing too many, if any, personal posts lately. I've had so many posts going inside my head and so many feelings, etc, it's hard to put it all into words. But, writing and journaling is good for me, so I am just gonna put it all out there. This is a very long story so I will do it in at least two parts.



Some of you know that about 4 months ago, my husband cheated on me. I was absolutely devastated. Just lost and confused. Asking myself why. He blamed me. Said that I wasn't affectionate enough and he didn't feel loved. I will admit that I wasn't a very affectionate person. Let me say that I do not take the blame. I never will. There is no excuse for cheating. Ever.

Since then, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been on medication since June of this year and I cannot express what a huge turnaround I've experienced. I don't too much recall having the "manic" symptoms, mostly the depression side of it. I wish I had sought help sooner. But, that is neither here nor there.

We separated. We both moved out of the house we had in July. Sometime in August we decided that maybe we should try to work things out. We were talking, getting along, we even sat down and wrote out some goals we had, for both our marriage as well as individually. No one knew that we were doing this. It was between Chris and I. We needed to do it without any interference or opinions of anyone else.

My parents ended up finding out and were pretty angry to say the least. They were still very angry with Chris for what he had done. At that time, I came to find out that there may have been another time that he had cheated on me. Obviously I had no proof other than what another person said (someone that had no reason to lie about something like this). I was floored. I didn't want to believe it and to keep said person confidential I agreed not to go to Chris with what I found out.

That's all I am posting for now, as this is not only hard for me to post and talk about, but like I said, it's long.

As I am sure many of you did, I spent last night watching CNN. Watching the results pour in. It was surreal. I will tell you; I voted for Barack Obama. Even though I was quite sure that he would be elected, seeing the states reporting votes just made me realize that it was happening.

We, as Americans, made history last night. You may not have voted for Barack Obama and that's ok with me. That's a freedom that we all enjoy. Every single one of us is allowed to think how we want to.

I feel like this is the beginning of big changes in America. Not just with our government. But, with the people of this country. Some huge barriers have come down no matter how you look at it or feel about it. For the first time in a long time, I truly have hope for our future. For my kids' future. For the country they will inherit from my generation. I hope that she is strong and united.

It is time for that change. It's time for us to stop saying no you can't and start saying yes you can.

It's Election Day

I know it's probably cliche' to do an election post today, but I don't care.

I've voted in every presidential election and almost all state and local election since I registered at 18 years old. I've always been very proud to be a registered voter and no matter what some people may say, my vote makes a difference.

This election in particular is so exciting. In just a few hours, we will have made history in this great country. History that I am so glad to be able to be a part of. We will either have our very first African-American President or our very first female Vice-President. I won't get into my political views on how I am hoping this goes.

We are having record voter turn-outs all over this country. Could it be possible that we as Americans finally really want a change? We are all feeling the effects of the current credit crisis, the rising costs of food, gas, etc and the rollercoaster ride that Wall Street has been on. Hopefully, no matter who becomes our next President, this will changed and some laws enacted to keep some of these things from happening again. We have an uphill battle against us for sure. It may get worse before it gets better, but only time will tell.

My oldest daughter has been quite involved in this election as well. She has asked me questions about who I'm voting for and, of course, state that is who she wants to win too. I've explained to her that I have reasons for the way I am voting and that is how you make that decision. Not by following the crowd. But she is 8 years old and there is only so much she can comprehend. Her school is having a mock election and talking alot about voting and government and I am so glad. I recall participating in a mock election in 1988 when former President Bush ran against Michael Dukakis. We ever used real voting machines which was very cool to us. I hope Kaylie remebers this as well when she is older. I also hope she takes advantage of her ability to vote. I guess I will see in 10 years.

If you haven't voted yet, no matter who your chosen candidate is, get out there and vote. You can make a difference.

It's hard keeping up!

It's hard to find time to update my blog here lately! I've been really busy at work, so it's hard to try to put together coherent thoughts while the phone is ringing and the boss is asking for this or for that.

So, this past weekend was super busy, but filled with fun! Friday night was dinner and drinks with the family and then off to Fox and Hound for pool and more drinks with friends! We had a blast!

But, let me back up for a sec. Friday. I decided that I was gonna go vote early on Friday. So, I head out to one of the locations and, lo and behold, the computers that put all of your information on the card that you insert into the voting machines, were down. Of course. So, I decided to go to another location that was near. On my way, I run into traffic caused by a wreck. Someone hit a telephone pole at a busy intersection on the street that I had to use. And, there was no turning around. AHH! I finally get to the next voting location and the line? Let's just say that it would have taken me probably 1 and 1/2 hours, at least, to get through that. So, I scratched voting. When I was leaving the first location, my car started making a funny sound. It sounded like I had a flat tire. So, I pull over and check. Tires are fine. I go on my way.

The sound just kept on. I get back to work, look at my tires from the back and I have a huge something or other in my tire. Grrreat. After work, it's off to wal-hell to get the tire patched. Ack! I needed a drink after all that!

Saturday had me getting new tires. And, then, heading out to watch this NASCAR race!! If you ever get the chance to go to a race. GO! The power of those cars is unreal! If you are standing by the track when they all pass, you can feel the vibrations in your chest! It's awesome.

After the race, there was a concert. Good bands. Good beer. Then, somehow, we ended up at this local bar and there was karaoke involved. And beer. Alot of beer. And just so ya know, I CANNOT sing. At all!

But, it was a blast! It's been a long time since I've done something like that and it was great!!!

I've had some serious blogger's block lately. Or, maybe it's just that nothing exciting is really going on right now in my life. Just regular everyday things.

Kaylie had her 8th birthday party last weekend. High School Musical, of course. She is also going to be Gabriella from High School Musical for Halloween. Alyssa is going to be a panda bear this year. Hopefully, I will remember to have charged batteries in my camera (hopefully someone else will to, I'm just sayin is all). I'm looking forward to trick-or-treating this year. It has been years since I've taken Kaylie door-to-door trick-or-treating and Alyssa has never been. We've been doing the Trunk-or-Treat type things for the last 3 years. Could there be more dashes in this paragraph?

The other morning, I was outside on my patio having a cigarette. Across the street from my complex, I could see a guy standing on the porch of this house. Just standing there. Of course, I'm watching but trying to make it look like I'm not watching. A ninja, I am. Then, he starts walking toward his car that was parked in the street and he was talking on a cell phone. Talking kinda loud. Then, the front door of the house opens and out comes his wife/girlfriend and she is ANGRY. She's throwin his shit onto the front porch, all the while calling him a fool and everything else. It was pretty entertaining. I've thought many times about throwing someone's crap onto the front porch, but never had the b.alls to do it! It was great fun to watch!

In other news...well, not shit.

This hurt my heart

This comes from here. I've copied and pasted the article below.

I am a huge Tiger fan. I was born in Memphis and have lived here almost all of my life. I love watching Tiger basketball and football. I've been to football games and seen Tom II up close. Stood by his cage and let my girls see him. Hearing about this makes me so sad. If you check out the link, scroll down and click on the link to see pics of Tom II. He was a beautiful tiger.


University of Memphis Mascot, TOM II, Passes Away Wednesday



Oct. 15, 2008

Memphis, Tenn. - TOM II, the Bengal Tiger mascot of The University of Memphis, passed away this morning surrounded by those who loved him. He was 17 years old.

TOM, which stands for Tigers Of Memphis, was acquired as a kitten by Bobby Wharton and the late Ray Daniels of the Football booster group Highland Hundred in the fall of 1991 and was hand-raised by William P. "Nickie" Nixon at St. Nick's Farm. Wharton led the Tiger Guard, the Highland Hundred committee responsible for caring for TOM, for all 17 years of the Tiger's life.

"TOM was an important part of the University family for a long time, and we are devastated at his loss," Wharton said. "It was a privilege and a true labor of love to head this project. I will miss him dearly."

The Tiger Guard is solely responsible for funding the Tiger project; no University dollars were ever used in TOM's care and maintenance. He outlived all four of his siblings by a number of years, a testament to the level of care and love he received. He also far exceeded the life expectancy of a male tiger.

TOM II was recently diagnosed with cancer during an annual medical examination.

"We had a very close relationship with TOM," added Wharton. "Once it became evident that his quality of life would begin to suffer, and after consulting with our veterinary team, it became obvious that the right thing to do would be to allow him to pass on with dignity and without pain and suffering."

Wharton added that is was among the toughest decisions he has ever had to make. TOM II will be cremated, as was the original TOM in 1992.

The University of Memphis Athletic Department has already made arrangements for a permanent exhibit to honor all previous and future TOMs in the new Athletic Hall of Fame, which will begin construction this fall at the corner of Southern and Normal.

The Tiger Guard is already making arrangements to secure a new Tiger to serve as TOM III.

"The Tiger project is an important tradition and source of pride for The University of Memphis family dating back over 35 years, and we will honor the memory of TOM II by keeping the tradition alive," said Tiger Guard member Scott Forman, who will take over as the project chairman for TOM III. "It's part of what makes our University unique".

A memorial is planned for the Tigers' Homecoming game versus Southern Miss on October 25. The Tiger Guard asks that any memorials be sent to the Highland Hundred via the Tiger Football office at 136 Athletic Office Building, Memphis, TN 38152.

Regrets

I've spent alot of time lately looking back at my life. Thinking about things that have happened and decisions that I've made. For the most part, I have no regrets. There are some things I do regret, however.

I regret my senior year of high school. I had fun, don't get me wrong. But, I concentrated too much on having fun and not enough on school. I got horrible grades and ended up having to take senior English again in summer school. I didn't get to walk across that stage and get my diploma. I didn't get to throw my cap in the air and celebrate with my friends. I got to watch. I got to spend the summer after graduation in summer school. I, of course, passed the course in summer school, I have a high school diploma and all that. For some reason, inspite of my poor school record, I was accepted to The University of Memphis. But, again, I was too interested in having fun and going out partying. I chose not to go. Luckily, even without a college degree, I have managed to get a great job. One that pays enough. But, one day, I'd still like to get that degree.

I regret allowing myself to become so complacent the last couple of years. To ignore my feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed and putting everyone else first. I never realized how unhappy I was. And, it was my own doing. It cost me alot. It cost me 2 years. 2 years that I can't get back. But, I can look forward and make the rest of my years much better.

Other than those, I really don't regret too much. I have a home, a car, 2 beautiful kids, a good job and good friends. I'm lucky. I've got more than some people do. And I am thankful for that everyday.

Are there any things you regret?

Have y'all been watching the SNL skits regarding the debates and the economy? If not, you owe it to yourself to watch at least one. They are hilarious! And, considering the state of our economy, most notably, the stock market, we all need a laugh.

I work in the financial industry so the last month has been extremely stressful and hectic. We've seen clients losing hundreds of thousands of dollars. I don't know about you, but, that's a shitload of money to me! That's the risk you take when you invest. And, hey! Gas prices are going down as fast as the DOW!!!

This morning, I got up, went outside for my morning ciggie (cigarettes are bad for you, blah blah blah) and had that song, Mockingbird. But, not just the regular song, the one from Dumb & Dumber where they are driving with the guy that wants to kill them and they are singing it. Yeah, I am super special.

Back in August, me and some friends went to see The Dave Matthews Band. It was at

Autozone Park. The stadium was on the field at the back. The "floor" seats were actually general admission and there were no chairs, you had to stand. Anyway, our seats were on the second row, in the stands, on the first base side. Not too shabby. So, we decided after a little while that we wanted to go down onto the field and get closer. So, we jump over the wall, onto the field. We have ninja skillz, no? I'm sure that no one else thought to do what we did. So, blah blah blah, we watch the concert from very much close and then left. By the time we got home, around hell if I know, my knee was hurting. And, considering the amount of beer consumed, it's hard to believe I could feel it. To make a long story short, my knee still hurts!!! WTF! And, I can't wait to explain why to the orthopedist when I finally go.

Clearly I have nothing interesting to blog about, so there ya go.

I just don't know

Why is it that you can care about someone so much that you can look past all of their faults, all of their wrongs, all of their empty promises and still love them? Still be taken in by them? Still see that person that you know deep down they really are?

And, at the same time, be so angry with them? Be so deeply hurt by them, that you don't know if forgiving is even an option, much less forgetting? But you entertain that thought anyway.

Is it just being human that makes you feel that way, or just stupidity?

It's hard to ask yourself those questions. It's even harder to answer them. You look around and wonder, why can all these other people make things work, but we can't? Why are they so happy? And, while the truth is those people are not always rainbows and butterflies, but you can't help but see it that way.

I guess, at some point, you have to just listen to what your heart tells you and do what's best for you. You hope that you make the right decision, though, only time will tell.

It's just a leap of faith. I read a quote today that said "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain".

The birthday post

My and my best friend have birthdays 4 days apart. We have always celebrated together, whether it be goin out and having drinks and goin dancin or just hangin out at the house.

This year was no exception. We opted to just hang out at her house. It was me and Crystal, her fiance (he's now her husband!), his brother and a couple of other friends.

We had a blast! We cooked some dinner. I believe we had some good ass fish and baked potatoes and probably something else, but I cannot remember. We sat outside on the patio and just talked and laughed and drank some beer. Then we drank some more beer. :)

A bottle of Goldschlager was brought over as well. This is the ONLY kind of liquor that Crystal and I will do shots of. Neither of us are liquor drinkers.

Needless to say, we had a great night. The two of us were up waaaay past the time when everyone else went to bed. And, how we didn't wake everyone else up, I will never know!!

So, how bought some pics!!

Me and Crystal


The Goldschlager


The hands-free shot. I was NOT expecting a picture to be taken!


Hey, once a year, you just gotta let go!!

Also, don't be jealous because we drink the high-dollar beer.

Okay, so...

the last time I did a post was on September 11th. But the last time I did a blog post was back in July.

I guess it's been awhile. I'm not sure what all has happened since then, but I will at least try to give the highlights.

I moved into my new house with my girls. It's great, I love it, they love it, the fish love it.

Kaylie started 2nd grade shortly after we moved in. She's back at the school she went to in Kindergarten and is doing GREAT!! We had some trouble with her conduct for a little while there, but she has vastly improved. She just wouldn't keep her mouth shut. Talking, talking, talking. Don't know where the hell that comes from. She hasn't gotten her 1st report card yet, but on her mid-term progress report she had straight A's!!!

I had a birthday. And, my bff had a birthday too. Lemme tell ya, the night we celebrated both of them? Um, let's just say, it's a miracle that either one of us remember it. Of course, there is some photographic evidence.

I bought an mp3 player. Exciting, no? Ok, not really, but whateva!

Let's see, what else...

Oh, shit, that's right, I just got back from spending 5 days on the beautiful white sand beaches of Destin, Florida staring at crystal clear blue-green water and eating all the fresh seafood I could handle.

Ok, other shit has happened too, but I will get into all of it later. Sort of.

I had to do this post

Even though I am on a blogging hiatus and not really sure if I plan to return, I cannot let this day go by without some sort of tribute.

We all remember where we were when 9/11 happened. We will never forget that day. But, on my way to work this morning, I began to wonder a few things. Have we become complacent again? I know that 9/11 is not at the front of everyone's mind each and every day anymore, but has that potentially opened our country up to another attack of some sort? I hope not. I believe in the United States. I feel safe here and I am thankful each and everyday that I get to live in this country. I hope I never take that for granted.

The other thing I wondered is has it been so long that some people no longer pay tribute? I was running late for work this morning, but I took the time to lower my flag to half staff. It was important to me and my way to pay tribute to this day. This day that the President has declared as Patriot Day. I saw many flags this morning that were not lowered. Flags that were at places of business, large flags that many people see. That bothered me. It made me mad, in fact.

I was talking to someone recently that mentioned something about 9/11 being in school history books and it was very surreal. It seems like yesterday that I sat, stunned, in my living room, wondering what was going on and being scared to death. And now it's like Pearl Harbor, something our kids are learning about.

Kaylie saw me lower my flag today and, of course, questioned me. I have never talked with her about 9/11 before. But, she's getting older and today I told her a little about it. I explained that there were some people that didn't like our country and they flew some airplanes into some really tall buildings in NYC and into an important building in Washington, D.C. (which is not to say that the Twin Towers were less important). I explained that lots of people were killed. I explained in the easiest way I could in order for her to understand as much as it is possible for an 8 year old to understand.

That conversation? Was very difficult. It was hard for me not to cry. I had to pause between sentences to sort of compose myself. She did ask me if it could happen again. I told her yes, it could, but its very unlikely. I feel it's my responsibility to be honest with her about it.

So, today, I am remembering the victims and heroes of September 11th, 2001. In some way, every citizen is a victim, but those that died paid the ultimate price for the freedom that we are so lucky to have. I would also like to thank each and every service member out there. Whether they are overseas on active duty or here at home. They volunteered to be a soldier so they are heroes to me.

SO MAD!!

Please go read this story first.

I am absolutely outraged that the justice system in the city I live in would allow a murderer to get out of jail on bond! This man (and I use that term VERY loosely) was already charged with killing another human being. He should have been behind bars. I don't care how overcrowded the jails are. Perhaps our mayor should be more concerned with the crime in this city than with his own self.

I will never ever understand how anyone could hit any child, much less their OWN child. And, a two-year old? She was just a baby. I rarely even spank my kids. I HATE doing that. It breaks my heart to think about what that little girl was put through. I don't understand how her mother could have let him be around her, knowing that he was dangerous. I don't care if he was her father! The two people in that child's world that are supposed to make them feel safe and secure, were the very people that hurt her. Why would you have kids and then treat them this way?

No one ever said that being a parent was easy. My kids drive me crazy sometimes, but I could never ever abuse them and I would go toe to toe with anyone that tried these two girls.

A new start

Wow, does that title just exemplify my life right now. A fresh start. And I am ready for it. Eager for it. I cannot wait to see where my life goes from here, but I know this much, I am gonna enjoy every minute of it. I will no longer allow anyone to bring me down or make me feel like I am not good enough! Mark my words on that one!

This is my life, my story and I get to write it.



Oh, and I still haven't figured out the whole import from WP thing yet.